I DO know that I DON'T know

"When I was young I was sure of everything; in a few years, having been mistaken a thousand times, I was not half so sure of most things as I was before; at present, I am hardly sure of anything but what God has revealed to me"
John Wesley

It's funny how we can be so sure of our plans one day and be confused another. This may not be the case for most, but I'm sure some would agree that this fickle mentality can paralyze one from reaching there dreams and desires. How does one make a decision when his plans are constantly evolving from one destination to another. When do the pictures and dreams narrow down? How does one pick from a wall that hangs 100's of frames, each with a different vision? When can I put my finger down on that spinning globe that shows so many places I could spend my life?

Decisions in the beginning of a journey appear impossible to make for it is that one step in a certain direction that carries with it a load of promises, commitment, labour and perseverance. The choice to march through such rough terrain begins at that first step. So yeah, it's friggin hard to make that step!

I often say that "it's better to walk in the wrong direction then no direction at all, cause at least your not standing still waiting for something to happen to or for you", however I must humbly admit that the reality of such a step is far more difficult then such a line lets on.

Whether it be a decision to marry, to move away to another city, start a new job, take on a different ministry or foreign University, that first step is freak'in hard to take. That step implies change which is the ultimate uncertainty of life. Change moves you off the track of familiarity to one of risk, and let's be honest, who wants that?

I've come to a point in my life where I can reflect upon my victories and failures and conclude that I… "don't know". I don't know, I just DON'T KNOW. Ask me a question and I'll have an answer but ultimately I have no idea. In the past I've been sure of myself on certain matters to later find out that I… "don’t know".

However I DO know that I DON'T know. I DO know that I DON'T know the perfect ministry style, the answers to every question on morality and spirituality, the solutions to unfruitful Christianity, or whatever other topic I appear to have a grasp on. For all I know is that I myself don't know. Even though I may not be exactly where John Wesley was in what he called at the time "the present", I believe I am coming to that place before his "present". A place where one reaches the end of himself. It's often difficult to hear his revealed word when I know I am still here. I am fading, sometimes not even by choice but non the less, Jesse is fading.

As I fade, let his voice drown my will.

I've always thought of being "on Fire" as an excited, happy, passionate state where one spiritually feels on top of the world. However, I just recently realized how hot and uncomfortable being "on Fire" can be :) …

Purity burns.

So to close this thought, when one realizes he 'doesn't know', it's difficult to take a step.
However, as much as I don't know, it's amazing that I DO know that I am where God wants me to be. As dark and depressing as this blog may be, I am glad to be where I am today. These next few months will be crucial, but more than ever before, I'm waiting on him, leaning my ear attentively to hear the whisper that directs my path.

You gotta love adventures!

Please keep me in your prayers friends.

...so be it.

I recently came back from LA where I attended the Supernatural Conference in westwood UCLA. We had worship, prayer, word and practical application. The application part of the conference was what stirred my faith up the most I'd say. We were asked to go out into Westwood to bless the community with prayer, prophetic words and deed. It was a scary, humiliating and humbling experience to say the least.

Considering how public my ministry is, it is so easy to feel like I am being vocal and bold in my faith when actually my light and confidence most often shines within the four walls of the church. But it's easy to be spiritual in a spiritual setting right? God has been challenging me since I've come back from my trip to Indonesia this summer to BURN away my pride and start begin alittle more foolish for Christ. To lay my reputation and position on the line for the sake of obedience.

I was challenged by a new friend this September to move on beat with the unction of the Holy Spirit rather then the rhythm of my minds logic. I cannot be afraid to offend, to step on some toes, to be radical or undiplomatic. How easy it is for us to fear man's opinion more than God's wouldn't you say? We have more conversations about differing human opinions than we do about God's stand point on the matter.

I think it is possible to make sacrifice's for the kingdom while remaining disobedient to the king. Why else would Samuel condemn Saul with words such as "to obey is better than sacrifice", this quote alone reveals that there exists a distinction between obedience and sacrifice. I actually believe that sacrifice often distracts us from obedience. Busy, occupied individuals don't have the time to consider how effective their actions are. Sacrifice takes power, energy and passion, but it is possible to expend it all on the wrong areas of life. A man working in the office till midnight everyday sacrifices for money to provide extra toys and luxuries meanwhile fails to spend time teaching his son good character and strong integrity. Much sacrifice, little efficiency.

Sacrifice can be done independently while obedience requires a cooperation between two parties, it involves a relationship, a submission, a trust. Obedience directs us to the goals and visions of Christ rather than where we think our sweat and labour should leads. Obedience requires an attentive ear that hears the heartbeat of a God who is Sovereign over all and knows what is best for our future. Obedience is a Sacrifice, a sacrifice of our own voice so that his will would be done on earth as it echos and manifests in heaven.

So if obedience requires my pride, my flesh, my rationality, my diplomacy and reputation... so be it.

"...YOUR KINGDOM COME, YOUR WILL BE DONE..."

How Far I've Come, and How much Further I Need to Go

It's amazing how powerful the presence of God can be. This weekend was one of the most intense times I've had in a long time. I have come to the last night of my trip here in LA after a week of intense prayer, solitude, training and good eating. The excitement started the night I arrived in the LAX airport in LA, my first destination was of course to the famous IN & OUT burger joint (if you haven't tried it, you have yet to taste the food we'll be getting in heaven).

I then went to the start of a 24hr Prayer gathering in a friends home near the UCLA campus. The room was filled with students so desiring the presence of God. It was a murmer of sincere, genuine prayer like I haven't heard in a long time, a place of little to non self-glorification or attention seeking. It's rare to find such places of worship.

That night God revealed to me a passage in 1 Corinthians which talks about the freedom we have when the Spirit of the Lord is manifest in our life. God revealed to me that his hand of discipline comes with conviction not condemnation, with all love and no fear. That difference between conviction and condemnation is a difficult distinction to make for it creates a similar reaction within our mind. The difference is that conviction, although it still stings, brings hope, while condemnation leaves you trapped in a web of negativity. Condemnation sucks the essence out of life, extingusihes the flame, the passion burning in our heart. Conviction contributes a wider perspective, a larger tank to swim in, a higher mountain to climb. Conviction acknowledges how far you've come while pointing out how much further you need to go. Condemnation shows how far you are from where you need to be without acknowledging how far you've come. It seems so easy to ignore the journey that brought me where I am today while focusing all my attention on the long hard road ahead of me. Considering both the past and the future all at once can be a difficult task, but it is a necessary perspective when it comes to moving forward in life.

This was the first revelation I received on this trip which paved the way for more as the week continued.

Gaining Ground

Whether my destination appears clear or not, I believe that I am where I am for a reason. The uncertainty of my direction in life has always been a struggle to overcome. The question is whether it's even up to me to overcome it. Mysteries in life are usually seen as a weakness, a liability rather than a vehicle of hope and faith. I know that when it comes to my future, the unknown is a terrifying reality.

However, God is a good God who assures us in our uncertainty and leads us through the darkness. The message God has been making clear to me these days is that I'm gaining ground. I may not always see the fruit of my labour, or reap the benefits of what I have sown, but I have an assurance in my heart that I am gaining ground. It's amazing how God can turn our weakness into strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10), our mistakes into an elimination processes :), our pride into holes in which we fall into (Prov. 16:18). God is molding me to walk through the unknown spaces, the roads less traveled, where the path is not laid out, and where the terrain is thick and mysterious. I love adventures, and lately I feel like I've been thrown into one that is more than I can handle. It's like I'm running through a forest with a strong but vague conviction and purpose in my heart uncertain of the next turn within my journey.

I'm excited! Ready for a new Challenge to overcome.